life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
