Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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