Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
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Found the puke drawer
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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