my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
