The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
