This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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