Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
