theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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