the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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