Soap is not a condiment
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Randomize
