Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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