I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Please don't give away my fajitas
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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