I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
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May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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