He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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