I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
