dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
