he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.