I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".