They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos