I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.