i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
