I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
