yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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