my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
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Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?