I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
