she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
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I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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