The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
