What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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