oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dating After Heartbreak
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.