p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Wipe that smile off your face.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
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So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
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I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me