Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
