i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
