When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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