a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
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Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
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i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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