my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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