i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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