My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need a hoe opinion