I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
