My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen