oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.