I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
