all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
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Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I want to be your penis for a week.
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HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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