There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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I want her autograph on my taint
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.