having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him