i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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