Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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