My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
