people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
