My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
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Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
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Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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