I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.