just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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