I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize