You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
27 Hairstyles That Always Come With A Matching Personality
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew