I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat