so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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