Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
