Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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